ok.. ok... I tried fighting with my self about a few things recently.. we all have moments of inner conflict that would lead to drastic changes.. at the moment Im numb to the bullshit that surrounds me in my life.. from time to time I find the urge to just pull the plug on all of this shit Im into, from the music, artwork to the various writings, podcasts, books etc... sometimes I feel too consumed in all that I do to the point that I feel like Im about to fall apart.. sometimes I think this shit aint healthy for me... you'll know what Im talking about if you read my insomniac post............... sleep pattern is still fucked up and it's taking its toll on me and the way Im thinking.. the only thing that kept me sane all along was my pad and pen.. if it wasnt for music I would have been the fucked up individual that I was many moons ago.. now I sit here in a dark room trying to type as the blunt ash fall on my white tee; trying not to think of pain.... bullshit.. those thoughts are outweighing every thought I can muster... aint that some bullshit.. I wake up in a fucked up mood and all I need is time to sort shit out.. sometimes I dont get that time, sometimes I do... PAIN!!! is it pain that I put myself through, I doubt it... for almost 20 years I've kept thoughts and feeling bottled up and I guess thats where the headaches come into play........ these headaches have gotten worse over the years to the point those same headaches turn to music.. as I've always said music is therapy, but now I come to realize that it's now a curse as well as a gift..... each emotion is like a chord, some on beat and some off key... where can I find harmony in the melodies of life? where can I turn when there's nowhere to go???? I wake up in the middle of the night either angry, depressed, afraid, excited or overjoyed... each feeling fucks with my head even the good.... so I break out my rhyme book and let the words flow... sometimes I feel rage when I write, trying not to explode, I continue writing... writing with hopes to ease this pain... that shit aint happening especially when all I am at war with myself and all I want to do is be at peace.... I dont cry anymore... each track on my beats are a tear drop of frustration, joy or pain fallen in order to clear my conscience... only then I realize my mistakes of the past.. so in order to write my wrongs I write a song..... I once told myslef I was going to stop spittin, that was the biggest lie I ever told myself.. as long at there's pain there will be music... when I combine them both I have the best shit I ever made...... until Im at it again....... ya digg
